So you had that amazing idea that you were hyped about. You stay up late researching on it, and get it kickstarted.
That was me last night with this blog.
The moment I hit publish and went to get ready for bed (at 5am, might I add), I was immediately over it.
I sat on the toilet feeling depleted and already knew I had no drive to keep it up.
Had I committed too soon?
What is commitment, anyway?
But the irony was not lost on me. This time felt a little different. Maybe even out-of-body. I was more aware of what was going on. Maybe because this time, the blog was about the struggles of ADHD? So that added a little light to the situation. I thought, hey – maybe I could write about this.
So here we are.
I shed a few tears in bed before falling asleep – not being quite sure where they came from.
And today has been much of the same. A feeling of defeat, exhaustion and a lingering sadness. So I gave myself the grace to let it flow through me. Not really knowing why I was feeling this way.
I mean, if you look at it objectively, one might say there were signs.
It was past mid-day and had I eaten anything? No.
Had I drunken anything? No.
Had I stepped outside? No.
What do they know, anyway.
But in all seriousness, who’s the upstream culprit?
Could it be the dopamine and the adrenaline that filled my body, keeping me up until sunrise?
The immediate crash that followed once I reaped the reward of clicking “publish”?
Subconsciously remembering all the past failed projects and the thought of adding another to the list?
Yes, that sounds plausible.
It was a perfect mix of neurochemicals, guilt, shame, sleep-deprivation and quite possibly, hunger.
I won’t pretend to have all the answers. But I am thankful to be aware of what my mind and body is experiencing.
And, look. It seems I haven’t fallen off the wagon just yet.
Success.